Photography: A Career or a Hobby?

Travelling and meeting new people every day, it's only natural that people ask what you do for a living, whether or not you are studying. It's always an awkward conversation for me, telling people I graduated from university two years ago and that I have no idea what I want to do with my life or my degree. I studied photography for five years, I should want to be a photographer, right? I should have a top notch camera with all the bells and whistles, photographing everything with passion and basically seeing the world I'm travelling in through the viewfinder. Well that's what I should be doing yes, but I find myself trying to explain to people and myself that I don't want to be a photographer, that I'm not carrying around a DSLR, a tripod or a variety of different lenses. The look of bewilderment on their faces, when I show my new friends that I'm just carrying a secondhand compact camera and my iPhone to snap some memories along the way. I know it's strange, and here I want to try and explain both to myself and to the people I meet that just because I studied photography at university, it doesn't mean I want to do that as my career.

For the past two years, since finishing uni I've been feeling somewhat guilty that after getting good grades from both college and university I don't want to do anything with my qualifications, nor do I know what I actually want to do with my life and career. Hence the travelling! I don't know what I want to do with myself and all I've ever wanted was to see the world and so I thought I was in a prime position to just go out and grab it with both hands. I don't have a boyfriend, children, a house, a career or any other commitments holding me back, so why not? It's the only thing I want right now and all the rest can wait until I get home. But I still feel guilty. If my university or college lecturers knew I was travelling the world without a proper camera, I think they'd want to bury their hands in shame, and so do I! Trust me, so do I. What is the point though, in forcing yourself to do something you don't want to do, just because you feel like you have to? Just because you have a degree in that subject, it doesn't mean you have to want to do that as your career forever more. It may sound crazy to anyone that knows exactly what they want to do. You go to uni or college, study a subject, you get a qualification and you work hard at getting yourself out there and getting a job you love. Or you at least do some work experience or get involved in that subject because you're passionate about it. But what do you do when you actually don't KNOW what path it is you want to go down? People have made suggestions to me, like being a wedding photographer or a travel brochure photographer or this that and the other. I know I could do these things if I really wanted to but that's the trouble, I don't want to be any of these things. And I fear I don't want to be a photographer at all! Don't get me wrong I love snapping away whilst on holiday, capturing the beach, the sunset, amazing memories. I just can't imagine doing it for a living. And I think the biggest thing for me is confidence. Or the distinct lack of. I think it's all very well to have the qualification or the experience but if the self belief isn't there, how can you go out there with your photographs and expect people to like your work if you're not overly impressed with it yourself? And how, if you have no confidence do you go up to people, ask to take their picture or direct someone so a portrait looks just right? That's my problem. I have no confidence in my own talent or to direct a person how to pose for me for a photograph. And I'm sure if the passion was there, my confidence would grow with more and more experience. But that's the problem, I think I've lost some of that passion, which is of course really sad for me. To study and enjoy something for five years, and then realise maybe it's not for you after all. It's heartbreaking for me to think I was once so passionate about my subject, but now I can come abroad and only bring a compact camera. At least I did bring a compact camera though! I went on holiday to Rhodes last year and I didn't even take a camera with me. My first thought was, 'what has happened to me?' I used to take a camera everywhere, and especially on holiday, and now I can't be bothered. I actually did bring a 35mm SLR with me and lots of rolls of film so that I could really capture my adventure in a different way. I didn't want to just snap thousands of digital images and never look at them again. I wanted my photographs to have meaning and to be special. That's the amazing thing about analogue photography, you have to think before just snapping away. Your rolls of film are precious and you don't want to waste them, you want to wait until that perfect moment. Sounds like I am passionate right? Well that's what I thought until I'd realised I'd been away a good month or so and hadn't used my film camera once. And not only that, I hadn't even THOUGHT about using it. I'd go out for the day and it wouldn't even cross my mind to take it with me. The camera and all the films, lay forgotten at the bottom of my backpack. I felt sad but I decided to send the camera and all the films home; they were taking up too much room in my backpack and if I was not using them, what was the point in having it all? It did make me sad to think I was initially so excited at photographing everything on 35mm film, but then once I was here and it was a reality, I realised I didn't want to at all. I wanted to document the locals going about their business, children laughing and playing, capturing that culture in a moment. But when it comes down to it, I don't have the confidence or the self belief in my own ability or talent to go out and do that. I will just stand from the sidelines and capture a sneaky shot here and there. It amazes me how people can just go up to a person and ask if they can take their picture, I feel slightly envious of that. It's something so simple, yet so difficult. So after a lot of thought on the matter, I do feel guilty and sad that something I've worked so hard on, and once felt so passionate about has all just slipped away from me. But as I said before what can you do? You can't force yourself to want to do something or force yourself to get that passion back unfortunately. Yes I feel disappointed in myself that I don't want to pursue photography as my career, but that doesn't mean I will feel like that forever. Who knows in a couple of months or years I may feel differently. No one can take my qualifications away from me and so maybe one day I might get a sudden burst of enthusiasm and inspiration and want to take it up further. But for now, I just don't know what I want to do. I don't know what I have enough passion and enthusiasm for that I want to take it up as my career. I still enjoy taking photos and looking at amazing artwork but right now I just can't see myself working as a photographer. I'm enjoying just casually snapping away at things on my travels without putting any pressure on myself for the photos to be amazing. I'm just enjoying it for now as a little hobby that I can pick up or put down as I please. I've come away, hoping I'll have some sort of epiphany about what I want to do and it will all click into place. Until that time I'm just going to continue travelling hoping I figure my life out at some point. I envy people who know exactly what they want to and go out there and grab it.